


The Not So Secret Romance

by Brynhildr



Series: 40 Days Of Middle Earth [28]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Dís, Bilbo is So Done, Consort Bilbo Baggins, Gen, Implied Relationships, M/M, Oblivious Thorin, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-07 03:18:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14071767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brynhildr/pseuds/Brynhildr
Summary: Bilbo has seen far more naked dwarven asses than he ever wanted to.He is so done!





	The Not So Secret Romance

The first time Bilbo stumbled upon them, he had blinked at them several times then shut the pantry door before quickly mooving back down the hall of his smial, flustered and embarrassed. In the pantry of all places! Goodness!

The second time, they were at Beorn's house. He had literally tripped over Kili's discarded boots while walking through the garden. He ran away as fast as he could, muttering about indecency out of doors.

The third time he was looking for Thorin in the halls of Erebor and had become exceedingly lost. He opened a door he thought would lead him back to the royal wing and instead opened up into a small sauna where the boys were engaged in some sort of tickle war. Without any clothes on. Bilbo closed his eyes and became even more lost trying to get as far away as possible.

The fourth time was on the Eve of Durin's Day, one year after the reclamation of Erebor. Bilbo was searching for Ori in the library to practice his ceremonial khuzdul, when he turned a corner and found himself nearly falling over two half naked princes on the ground. He put a hand over his eyes and backed away as quickly and silently as possible. Ori had to ask him several times if he was alright or was he coming down with a fever? He seemed awfully pink.

The fifth time Bilbo had had enough. He was walking back from his meeting with Balin and Bombur and had run into, literally this time, a very naked Kili coming out of the communal showers. Fili was chasing after him with two towels, but Bilbo had seen enough, thank you very much! He marched himself into his rooms and threw himself onto his small sofa next to Thorin's desk. 

"I never want to see your nephews' naked bums again in my life!" He exclaimed with a groan. "I don't know if this is some sort of teasing they are doing or what, but I'm getting very tired of seeing naked dwarves!" He glanced over at Thorin's shocked face. "Well, not you, of course. You're my husband, I'll see as much naked you as I can, but I just can't see your nephews without clothes on any more. Nope. Not going to happen. I'm done."

Silence met his words and he peered up to see Thorin opening and closing his mouth without uttering a sound.

"Thorin?" He asked, concerned when the dwarf seemed to become more and more pale. "Are you alright?"

"You mean to tell me that my sister-sons have been, have been, and you have seen, naked!?" Thorin finally seemed to find his words, though he was making little sense. Bilbo frowned.

"Well, yes! Ever since that first night in my smial-" he stopped mid sentence as Thorin fainted and fell out of his seat. 

"Dwalin!" Bilbo shouted and the burly dwarf came crashing into his room with his ax held high!

"What happened?" The dwarf questioned as he bent down to gently shake the King Under the Mountain.

"He fainted!" Bilbo exclaimed as the larger dwarf pulled Thorin into a seated position and slapped him lightly on the face. Thorin just groaned and continued sitting there like a sack of potatoes.

"What happened before he fainted?" Dwalin asked as Balin and Nori came running into the room, followed by a small host of guards.

"I told him that I ran into Kili and Fili in the halls naked and then he fainted!" Bilbo said rather hysterically before Nori successfully awakened Thorin with a bottle of smelling salts.

"Naked? Kili and Fili?" Balin asked, perplexed. "But what were they doing?" Bilbo turned around with a frown. 

"I'm guessing a quick tumble since it wasn't the first time I've seen them-"

Balin sputtered then sat down with a look of horror. 

"We'll have to have a ceremony immediately!" He said turning to Thorin who looked just as ashen as his advisor. "We'll say that they already committed to one another in the Blue Mountains but wished to be wed in their reclaimed home -"

"What are you talking about?" Bilbo asked, confused as he helped Thorin back into his chair.

"Bilbo, Dwarves love only once, as I'm sure Thorin has told you. Because of this, we have very strict rules about courting and marriage. A marriage must be announced to the people so that witnesses Can come forward and prove that the couple either are truly each others' Ones, our to disprove it. Courting can take years and must receive family approval before the ceremony can take place-"

"And why didn't we do this when Thorin and I married?" Bilbo asked even more confused.

"Because it was obvious to anyone with eyes that you were each other's better halves," Nori grumbled with an exaggerated eye roll.

"Well, also, you did face a dragon for him, and forgave him when he tried to kill you, and you saved his life several times," Dwalin added.

"But, normally," Balin butted in. "Normally courting cannot take place until one is of age and Kili is only just-"

"And dwarves do not have sex with anyone besides their One," Nori said with a glance at Dwalin. "Usually after marriage."

Bilbo pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a huge sigh. 

"So, what? During the entire quest, no one noticed that the youngest Durins were sneaking off all the time? With very little clothes on?"

Balin and Dwalin exchanged a look.

"What?" Bilbo asked getting frustrated.

"Well, they've always been like that." Dwalin said uncomfortably. "Ever since they were small boys, inseparable and running off to plan a bit of mischief together."

"I just thought they were a little more clingy on the journey because it was the first time they had been way from their mother for so long." Thorin rubbed his beard in thought. "What exactly did you see, Bilbo?" The room suddenly quieted and everyone looked expectantly at the hobbit who became a red faced, sputtering mess.

"Oh, well. Um. They were definitely-" he waved his hands around  in front of his face. "In my pantry of all places. I was so flustered from the entire evening, I didn't even say anything! Just backed out the door and left." Bilbo said.

"Well, it's confirmed then! We'll need to have a ceremony at once!" Balin said with a resigned air. "I'll see if I can get Dís to help-"

"Help with what?" Dís asked as she walked into the room eating an apple. She glanced around at the various expressions on everyone's faces and swallowed the rest of her apple. "I'm guessing something with the boys?"

"We'll need a ceremony immediately!" Balin said anxiously. Dís frowned.

"But the boys didn't want a public ceremony. They said a simple binding ceremony was enough for them before the quest. Has that changed?" She looked over at Thorin. He stared at her blankly. "Thorin?" She asked concerned when he didn't answer.

"They were married before the quest?" Balin asked. Dís nodded with a frown. 

"Yes. They asked me to preside over their binding while Thorin was journeying to meet the clan emissaries." She frowned at Thorin again. "They said you had given your blessing before you left." 

Thorin nodded his head as the memories trickled back to him.

"I did. I- I thought they were talking about the quest. We had argued earlier that week. I thought- I told them yes, but that I wasn't happy about it. Then I told them to talk to you and they seemed happy enough so I set it from my mind." 

Dís walked over and punched her brother in the shoulder. Dwalin and Nori both took a step away from the irate mother. Balin just rubbed his temples.

"You idiot! They've probably been thinking that you weren't happy with them and were trying to hide from you to keep you happy," she smacked him again. Bilbo winced and Dwalin took another step back.

"Go find them and apologize right now!" She commanded, pointing toward the door. "I can't believe you! Your own nephews, your HEIRS, thinking that you are unhappy with them this whole time. GO!" Thorin rushed out the door with Dwalin and Nori at his heels. Dís huffed and sat down in Thorin's vacated chair.

"Would you like some tea?" Bilbo asked after an awkward silence stretched. 

"Yes, please!" Dís replied.

"Or something stronger, if you have it," Balin added. Bilbo just rolled his eyes. 

"I'm going to save that for Thorin when he comes back after finding the boys," Bilbo replied as he poured three cups of tea.

"Why will he need it?" Dís asked, receiving her teacup gracefully. 

"Because the boys were naked and running down the corridor not half an hour ago and I would eat Bofur's hat if they were actually dressed by this point."

Balin and Dís glanced at each other before she opened a secret compartment in Thorin's desk and pulled out a bottle full of dark amber liquid.

"Might as well start drinking," she said as she poured a generous amount in all of their teacups. Balin just raised his cup and grimaced.

"In remembrance of the calm days," he toasted.

"When were they?" Bilbo asked tipping his glass. 

"Before we woke the dragon," Balin replied. 

The three sat drinking their spiked tea even as raised voices met their ears. The bubble of calm was enough for them.

.......

Fili and Kili, reluctantly, did end up having a public ceremony. The entire kingdom was invited, along with dignitaries from the surrounding kingdoms. Fili spent the entire feast trying to convince Kili that the Mirkwood prince was not glaring at him, that was just the way his face looked. Bilbo spent the entire time convincing Thorin the same thing about the Elven King.

The Hobbit counted the ceremony a success because no one died. And no one accidentally started a war. 

It was a close thing.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this at least a week ago but couldn't figure out how to finish it... Hope you like it.


End file.
